Me: I have been dancing, tumbling and skipping through life since I was a little girl my body image being a major part of who I am and how I feel. It's less of the "look" and more of the feeling that came with being fit and lean. I felt strong, confident and able; "bring it on."
Since the loss of my daughter Shelby in 2007 that part of me died. Things I found challenging, ways in which I pushed myself mentally and physically and the "high" I felt are no longer part of me. I cannot even begin to contemplate how to care about myself in that sense, it seems so trivial and absurd.
What has happened to my self-esteem? I feel unattractive, aged, somewhat fat, sloppy and out of shape. I care and I don't care. I find myself sitting in a hunched position as if I cannot hold my frame up. There are times when I don't take a shower and I don't care. On the weekends I no longer wish to leave the house. And I eat. I eat. I am not hungry. I am heavier now than I have ever been. And it doesn't make the pain, sadness and grief any better. I bargain tha I won't eat the next day and I constantly break my promise to myself.
I am writing this blog hoping I will hold myself accountable. Hoping that through writing I will find my way back to health and to feeling okay about my reflection.
>kim
Shelby's story is @ www.caringbridge.org/visit/shelbyr
